i hate supper time...
i feel.... disgusting. there is no other way to describe this slimy, crawling feeling slithering up from my stomache. i can feel the fat on my body, it's suffocating.. like a huge, bloody cockroach is slowly eating me alive.

today i ate a candy cane. my friend megan brought it for me, and i felt so bad looking at it- because i knew she'd want me to eat it.. but i didn't want to. i did anyways though, in the long run.. and on top of that i had a peanut m&m... i don't even know how many calories that is.. oh gods.
then for supper i had:
* 1/4 (more exactly tonight then last) peice of left over lasagna
* 2 very small peices of garlic bread (strips again)

today i have been tainted..
and i am so afraid of the month of december that is creeping up around the corner.. and the things that my parents will bring home. chocolates, egg nog, christmas dinner.. all these things swimming in fat, calories, death.. and they will force these in me, force this fat into me. i wont be able to refuse it all, because i can't let them know about Ana. i can't give away this secret that me and Ana share, it is to sacred to me.. and i am not thin enough yet, i don't have enough control yet.
i will get there. i will surpass being Ana's midnight lover, i will be Ana.. i will know what it feels like to walk on snow and not leave any tracks....